Do you wish your partner showed you more love and affection? This article explains easy ways to ask for what you need in a healthy relationship.
- Identify unhealthy “attachment styles” holding you back
- Learn to feel worthy of love as you are
- Make clear requests to get your needs met
Wanting more affection is expected in a close relationship. The key is asking for it in a kind, secure way. Let’s look at how.
What is an Attachment Style?
An “attachment style” describes beliefs about yourself and your partner that can impact the relationship. Some styles are more helpful than others.
Anxious Style
With an anxious attachment style, you believe:
- I’m not good enough for love
- My partner will leave if I mess up
This causes clinginess and jealousy. You’re very worried about losing your partner’s love.
Avoidant Style
An avoidant style means thinking:
- I’m flawed so that people will let me down
- I can’t let anyone get too close
You pull away when a partner gets emotionally close because you expect them to hurt you.
Disorganized Style
This mixture of anxious and avoidant beliefs causes a push-pull pattern. You shift between clinging to your partner and pushing them away.
The healthiest attachment style is a secure one.
Building a Secure Attachment Style
A secure attachment means you can be your true self in the relationship. You believe:
- I am worthy of love just as I am
- My partner can meet my needs in a caring way
You feel safe opening up and sharing affection. Arguments don’t shake your sense of self-worth.
How do you develop this secure mindset? Try these three steps:
- Let go of beliefs that you’re unlovable or flawed. Tell yourself a new story that you deserve love simply by being you.
- Build trust that your partner wants to make you happy. Look for times, small and large, when they have been caring and reliable.
- Clearly, ask for what you need in the relationship. Make a specific request, like “Can we hold hands more often when we go for walks?”
By changing your beliefs and making reasonable requests, you invite more affection into the relationship.
The Most Important Belief
The core belief for a secure attachment style is knowing you are worthy of love as you are. Many people struggle with this because of hurtful childhood events or messages.
For example, one man was labeled as “not smart enough” in 4th grade because he didn’t score high on a test. This created a false belief that limited his self-worth for years.
To undo these harmful beliefs, affirm a new story daily: “I am enough exactly as I am. I deserve love and all good things in life.”
What negative beliefs have you accepted about yourself? Challenge those limiting thoughts and embrace self-love. You have infinite worth simply by being alive.
With a secure attachment style, you can open yourself to more affection. Have the courage to ask for what you truly desire in your relationship. You deserve to feel cherished.
